I AM.

In a little over a week I will be boarding a plane America-bound. Not for a quick trip or visit, but for good. My year has finished, my job is completed, and I am moving back to America. 

While I've always known this is the ultimate end, my heart and mind is in a place that doesn't know what to think or do or say. Lately my prayers have consisted of the words, "Jesus I just don't really have any words." 

Am I excited to see my family and friends? YES. Am I excited to be home in time for the season of changing leaves and pumpkin lattes? Yes. And I am even excited to get ready in the morning and not walk outside to just sweat instantly? Yes again. 

But even in the midst of the excitement, my heart feels like its being torn apart. In a week I will have to say goodbye to not just a country but the people who have become close friends and family this past year. I will have to say goodbye to what has become my home. I will turn away to board that plane, and have no idea if I will be back or if will see the faces I love again. 

It feels like too much sometimes. 

It feels like more than I can handle. 

My heart hurts. It feels so torn, and like there is no way to reconcile it. 

In the midst of these emotions, really in the midst of this entire year, God has spoken one thing over and over again to me. When I feel scared and uncertain,when my heart just hurts, I hear Him say....

Kelly, my daughter... I AM.

I AM your certainty.

I AM your constant. I never change. I AM the same in Thailand and in America. 

I AM your protector. 

I AM your closest friend, the only one who will always understand. 

I AM the only thing you need. 

I AM in control. 

My beloved, I AM always with you.

I don't necessarily feel this deeply right now. But I know it. I know it's true, deep inside of me. I have to know it. It's all I have right now. In my life of change and uncertainty, HE IS. 

Pray for me and with me. Lets desire to know what it means that He IS.