Not just a short-lived feeling of thankfulness, like I've felt many times before- but a deep emotion of gratefulness for all that this year has brought in my life.
This last year or so has certainly been filled with many life-changing experiences. I graduated college, moved to the other side of the world, spent Thanksgiving and Christmas in tropical heat, shut down a project I went to manage, then returned to America 4 months ago with a giant question mark for my next step.
I'm not thankful because it was a year of ease without much hardship.
Last year was a time of rough trials, tears and heartbreak, and many many mistakes. In the midst of that has also been rich new community, seeing light break into the darkness, and beauty in faces and nature.
But because of the unexpected circumstances, I came back from Thailand questioning Gods goodness- questioning the purposes of His plans and the possibility of hope in a dark and broken world.
But as Thanksgiving came around this year, I sat down and started a list: a list of this past year and all of it's blessings. And it brought tears to my eyes.
Because despite the moments of frustration and loneliness and doubt, it's been good. Not just a fun superficial good, but a goodness that resonates deep in my soul.
Because the Savior of my poor, sinful soul, the Spirit who brings life to the dead, and the Sovereign God of the universe was with me through every step. Through the frustrations and trials, He graciously provided for me and had His hand of redemption covering me.
And it's because of that, that I am deeply thankful.
I am deeply thankful for the provision of care and support in the USA when I boarded a plan and ventured into the unknown. Deeply thankful for Gods escapes and weekends of retreat from Pattaya at the exact moments when I needed them. For new community and friends to laugh with when I needed a break from reality. For beauty in sunsets and crystal clear waters. And eventually deeply thankful for my last brief moments hearing from the artisans that I made a difference in their lives, that Christ shone through me despite my doubts.
But it didn't end on the plane back to America. My thankfulness continues for the unconditional love from my family and friends when I returned cynical, broken, and hardened. It continues for the opportunity to spend each day working with beautiful young souls who have brought life and joy back into my heart. And I am so very deeply thankful for the new friendships and communities God has miraculous surrounded me with since returning.
Lastly, the thing that brings tears to my eyes and my knees to the ground is Gods Redemptive Hand bringing the mess of pain and joy, hope and doubt, mistakes and grace into one beautiful tapestry of my life.
I mean it when I say He is good and I am deeply deeply thankful.
Kneeling on the ground, tearfully in remembrance of this last year all that comes to mind is that I never want to walk away from Gods will for my life.
I pray that I, that we, can all strive to seek His plans and His loving guidance despite how scary and difficult that may be.
So for this next season of my life, I still may have many fears and question marks, but there is one thing I know: after resting in Gods complete control and loving Sovereignty, I know that for all my life, there is no place I would rather be.
