What is NOW.

I've been back from Thailand for just about 3 months now. And since I've gotten back I've fully intended to continue this blog...because I believe God has give me words to speak and that doesn't change based on my location. My life is a continuing journey, and I want to invite you into this phase post-Thailand. 

The problem is...I haven't had much to say. 

Since coming back, I've felt a lot like I've been just going. Like I'm just doing all the motions- unpacking the suitcases, catching up with friends, eating the foods I've missed, getting a job...getting back "used" to America. 

But underneath it all, I've felt numb. 

Because the truth is- while I had one incredible year in Thailand, and miss my friends, the artisans, Thai food, living at the beach, and just the country overall so much that it hurts- it was pretty rough at times. My heart went through endless amounts of aching and hurting so deeply that it just stopped. I chose to become numb rather than feel, because I didn't want to hurt. I didn't want to invest and risk the chance of failure or separation anymore. 

I came back to America, feeling like a different person. Feeling like a failure- like there was so much more that I could have done and other things I did so wrongly. Feeling like God had turned his back- that He was sitting by watching the suffering in the world and doing nothing about it. I came back feeling loss- the loss of a life I had lived for an entire year only to get on a plane and say goodbye at the end.

And because of all this, I was a different person in a sense. I wasn't the girl who got on a plane one year ago, with hope and passion to serve God in such a broken and unjust city. I was someone I didn't recognize with struggles I have never known before. 

I say this in the past-tense because it was much stronger 3 months ago. But it's all a process, and while I'm slowly feeling more like "me" again, I'm still in the journey. 

I've gotten the question "What's next?" quite a lot lately. And the blunt answer is...I have no idea. 

Opportunities have opened and my heart is slowly beginning to consider what the future holds. But honestly, I'm learning to just take one step-at-a-time. So I can answer your questions about Thailand and the transition returning to the States, and but in regards to the future, I can only answer what is NOW. 

Now I'm working with kids and I'm loving it. I'm learning to find joy again through their excitement in each day and the hilarious things they say and do. Now I'm learning to grieve the loss of this past year and all of the goodbyes. Now I'm discovering how to process my emotions in a healthy way, when they feel sometimes so overwhelming that its easier to shut down. Now I'm taking the time to start to become "me" again, a new me that combines the girl that got on that plane over a year ago with the lessons and the experiences of this past year. 

Really, I'm just walking on a path of learning to depend on God when it seems like all that surrounds is questions, when the cross seems so far away, and when I can only see the next day ahead of me. And in that, finding joy still remains. 

I heard this song today at church and it hit a chord really deep in my heart. Please listen to it, especially as John Piper speaks toward the end. 

Thank you for continuing in this journey with me, regardless of the circumstances.