no place I'd rather be.

I've been experiencing a deep sense of gratitude lately.

Not just a short-lived feeling of thankfulness, like I've felt many times before- but a deep emotion of gratefulness for all that this year has brought in my life.

This last year or so has certainly been filled with many life-changing experiences. I graduated college, moved to the other side of the world, spent Thanksgiving and Christmas in tropical heat, shut down a project I went to manage, then returned to America 4 months ago with a giant question mark for my next step.

I'm not thankful because it was a year of ease without much hardship.

Last year was a time of rough trials, tears and heartbreak, and many many mistakes. In the midst of that has also been rich new community, seeing light break into the darkness, and beauty in faces and nature.

But because of the unexpected circumstances, I came back from Thailand questioning Gods goodness- questioning the purposes of His plans and the possibility of hope in a dark and broken world.

But as Thanksgiving came around this year, I sat down and started a list: a list of this past year and all of it's blessings. And it brought tears to my eyes.

Because despite the moments of frustration and loneliness and doubt, it's been good. Not just a fun superficial good, but a goodness that resonates deep in my soul.

Because the Savior of my poor, sinful soul, the Spirit who brings life to the dead, and the Sovereign God of the universe was with me through every step. Through the frustrations and trials, He graciously provided for me and had His hand of redemption covering me.

And it's because of that, that I am deeply thankful.

I am deeply thankful for the provision of care and support in the USA when I boarded a plan and ventured into the unknown. Deeply thankful for Gods escapes and weekends of retreat from Pattaya at the exact moments when I needed them. For new community and friends to laugh with when I needed a break from reality. For beauty in sunsets and crystal clear waters. And eventually deeply thankful for my last brief moments hearing from the artisans that I made a difference in their lives, that Christ shone through me despite my doubts.

But it didn't end on the plane back to America. My thankfulness continues for the unconditional love from my family and friends when I returned cynical, broken, and hardened. It continues for the opportunity to spend each day working with beautiful young souls who have brought life and joy back into my heart. And I am so very deeply thankful for the new friendships and communities God has miraculous surrounded me with since returning.

Lastly, the thing that brings tears to my eyes and my knees to the ground is Gods Redemptive Hand bringing the mess of pain and joy, hope and doubt, mistakes and grace into one beautiful tapestry of my life.

I mean it when I say He is good and I am deeply deeply thankful.

Kneeling on the ground, tearfully in remembrance of this last year all that comes to mind is that I never want to walk away from Gods will for my life.

I pray that I, that we, can all strive to seek His plans and His loving guidance despite how scary and difficult that may be.

So for this next season of my life, I still may have many fears and question marks, but there is one thing I know: after resting in Gods complete control and loving Sovereignty, I know that for all my life, there is no place I would rather be.

What is NOW.

I've been back from Thailand for just about 3 months now. And since I've gotten back I've fully intended to continue this blog...because I believe God has give me words to speak and that doesn't change based on my location. My life is a continuing journey, and I want to invite you into this phase post-Thailand. 

The problem is...I haven't had much to say. 

Since coming back, I've felt a lot like I've been just going. Like I'm just doing all the motions- unpacking the suitcases, catching up with friends, eating the foods I've missed, getting a job...getting back "used" to America. 

But underneath it all, I've felt numb. 

Because the truth is- while I had one incredible year in Thailand, and miss my friends, the artisans, Thai food, living at the beach, and just the country overall so much that it hurts- it was pretty rough at times. My heart went through endless amounts of aching and hurting so deeply that it just stopped. I chose to become numb rather than feel, because I didn't want to hurt. I didn't want to invest and risk the chance of failure or separation anymore. 

I came back to America, feeling like a different person. Feeling like a failure- like there was so much more that I could have done and other things I did so wrongly. Feeling like God had turned his back- that He was sitting by watching the suffering in the world and doing nothing about it. I came back feeling loss- the loss of a life I had lived for an entire year only to get on a plane and say goodbye at the end.

And because of all this, I was a different person in a sense. I wasn't the girl who got on a plane one year ago, with hope and passion to serve God in such a broken and unjust city. I was someone I didn't recognize with struggles I have never known before. 

I say this in the past-tense because it was much stronger 3 months ago. But it's all a process, and while I'm slowly feeling more like "me" again, I'm still in the journey. 

I've gotten the question "What's next?" quite a lot lately. And the blunt answer is...I have no idea. 

Opportunities have opened and my heart is slowly beginning to consider what the future holds. But honestly, I'm learning to just take one step-at-a-time. So I can answer your questions about Thailand and the transition returning to the States, and but in regards to the future, I can only answer what is NOW. 

Now I'm working with kids and I'm loving it. I'm learning to find joy again through their excitement in each day and the hilarious things they say and do. Now I'm learning to grieve the loss of this past year and all of the goodbyes. Now I'm discovering how to process my emotions in a healthy way, when they feel sometimes so overwhelming that its easier to shut down. Now I'm taking the time to start to become "me" again, a new me that combines the girl that got on that plane over a year ago with the lessons and the experiences of this past year. 

Really, I'm just walking on a path of learning to depend on God when it seems like all that surrounds is questions, when the cross seems so far away, and when I can only see the next day ahead of me. And in that, finding joy still remains. 

I heard this song today at church and it hit a chord really deep in my heart. Please listen to it, especially as John Piper speaks toward the end. 

Thank you for continuing in this journey with me, regardless of the circumstances. 

The jewelry is here!

It's finally here! As I promised before, I have a large amount of jewelry, handmade by the artisans I left behind, that I will be selling. All jewelry was designed by me and made by the artisans I worked with while in Pattaya, Thailand. The proceeds I make from selling the jewelry will be sent back to the artisans to help them as they are still affected from the project closing. 

Please consider buying some pieces to help support the artisans I left behind in Pattya : )

Click to check out the shop!

A Year Completed.

My time in Thailand has ended and I am currently back in the States. Thank you so much for journeying with me this past year. I am so grateful for my wonderful support community, so thank you so much : )

To see a newsletter with highlights from my last few months in Thailand, click here!

I AM.

In a little over a week I will be boarding a plane America-bound. Not for a quick trip or visit, but for good. My year has finished, my job is completed, and I am moving back to America. 

While I've always known this is the ultimate end, my heart and mind is in a place that doesn't know what to think or do or say. Lately my prayers have consisted of the words, "Jesus I just don't really have any words." 

Am I excited to see my family and friends? YES. Am I excited to be home in time for the season of changing leaves and pumpkin lattes? Yes. And I am even excited to get ready in the morning and not walk outside to just sweat instantly? Yes again. 

But even in the midst of the excitement, my heart feels like its being torn apart. In a week I will have to say goodbye to not just a country but the people who have become close friends and family this past year. I will have to say goodbye to what has become my home. I will turn away to board that plane, and have no idea if I will be back or if will see the faces I love again. 

It feels like too much sometimes. 

It feels like more than I can handle. 

My heart hurts. It feels so torn, and like there is no way to reconcile it. 

In the midst of these emotions, really in the midst of this entire year, God has spoken one thing over and over again to me. When I feel scared and uncertain,when my heart just hurts, I hear Him say....

Kelly, my daughter... I AM.

I AM your certainty.

I AM your constant. I never change. I AM the same in Thailand and in America. 

I AM your protector. 

I AM your closest friend, the only one who will always understand. 

I AM the only thing you need. 

I AM in control. 

My beloved, I AM always with you.

I don't necessarily feel this deeply right now. But I know it. I know it's true, deep inside of me. I have to know it. It's all I have right now. In my life of change and uncertainty, HE IS. 

Pray for me and with me. Lets desire to know what it means that He IS. 

Gratitude.

It's officially over. 

Last Thursday I watched as the artisans finished their last pieces of jewelry and handed them their pay for the very last time. I mean, my job isn't completely done: I have a couple fun parties planned for the artisans and all of the beads and supplies need to be inventoried and sent to Cambodia. But still, I will no longer spend an afternoon watching Nok's joyful smile as she quickly finishes her pieces, Nida sitting on the floor as she squints her eyes and tries to see the beads, and Bam waiting patiently (or maybe not so much) for Nida to finish. 

The days of jewelry production are over. 

And it's been difficult. It's been difficult to trust Gods plan for the future: for their lives and for mine. It's been difficult to understand my purpose completely in coming to Thailand. And it's been difficult to not want to pack and leave today, but at the same time difficult realizing that in a month I will have to pack up and leave my entire life from the past year. 

Basically, my emotions feel like they are changing with each minute. 

But I've been learning something in the past month or so (well, more like struggling to learn). I've been learning about gratitude. 

I read the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp who intentionally kept a journal of the big and little, obvious and hidden, good and maybe not-so-good gifts that God gives her each day. I've done this exercise before, but at this time in my life, it seems to be perfect timing.

Because I've been realizing, or trying to realize, that in the midst of your and mine uncertain, frustrating, seemingly hopeless, and even mundane moments, we have a choice. We all have the choice...I have the choice right now to stay in these moments of sadness and doubt or to choose to be grateful. To have gratitude for the endless amounts of gifts I am given each day.   

So today I choose to share with you some of my list. These are some of my gifts, the blessings God has extravagantly poured on me: 

Open fields.

Truth and encouragement from around the world.

Opportunities to travel and see the world. 

Hearing the artisans list out Gods promises in their lives. 

Mornings on the beach with a coffee and a cool breeze. 

Friendships from around the world. 

Artisans who are willing to work extra days so I can bring handmade jewelry back to the States.

And finally: the gift to be a part of these three beautiful and unique people's lives for a year. 

Want to buy some jewelry?

We have now entered the last month of work for the artisans. While this brings to my mind the excitement of returning to the States, it also brings a lot of sad and hard emotions. Even in the midst of finishing the jewelry project,  I continue to ask God "why?"

After a special lunch together this week. 

I've been praying for ideas to continue to serve the artisans in extra ways these last few months, and you can help with one of these ideas : ) I will be employing the artisans to make some of my own designs to sell when I'm back in America. Proceeds from the sale of jewelry will allow me to pay a 'fair wage' to the artisans who will be without work once the project leaves Thailand.

I plan to make and bring home only what I think will sell. So please, let me know if you would like to purchase necklaces or bracelets so that I can have the artisans make enough to meet demand.   

Design samples pictures are below.  Since these can be "made to order" feel free to  make special requests for any different colors!  Keep in mind I'll be using leftover beads, so some colors and designs may not be available.  

Just email me at Jacobykl6@gmail.com or message me on facebook if you are interested.  Provide specifics if you'd like to place an order.  I'll bring orders when I return to America in August. 

Thank you for your support : )

Elastic bracelets-$15

*Can be made in other colors

 Necklaces- $25
*Can be made in various lengths and colors

Please let me know if you are interested at all. It will be a real blessing to provide some extra employment to the artisans before we close down the project. 

Thank you : )