I AM.

In a little over a week I will be boarding a plane America-bound. Not for a quick trip or visit, but for good. My year has finished, my job is completed, and I am moving back to America. 

While I've always known this is the ultimate end, my heart and mind is in a place that doesn't know what to think or do or say. Lately my prayers have consisted of the words, "Jesus I just don't really have any words." 

Am I excited to see my family and friends? YES. Am I excited to be home in time for the season of changing leaves and pumpkin lattes? Yes. And I am even excited to get ready in the morning and not walk outside to just sweat instantly? Yes again. 

But even in the midst of the excitement, my heart feels like its being torn apart. In a week I will have to say goodbye to not just a country but the people who have become close friends and family this past year. I will have to say goodbye to what has become my home. I will turn away to board that plane, and have no idea if I will be back or if will see the faces I love again. 

It feels like too much sometimes. 

It feels like more than I can handle. 

My heart hurts. It feels so torn, and like there is no way to reconcile it. 

In the midst of these emotions, really in the midst of this entire year, God has spoken one thing over and over again to me. When I feel scared and uncertain,when my heart just hurts, I hear Him say....

Kelly, my daughter... I AM.

I AM your certainty.

I AM your constant. I never change. I AM the same in Thailand and in America. 

I AM your protector. 

I AM your closest friend, the only one who will always understand. 

I AM the only thing you need. 

I AM in control. 

My beloved, I AM always with you.

I don't necessarily feel this deeply right now. But I know it. I know it's true, deep inside of me. I have to know it. It's all I have right now. In my life of change and uncertainty, HE IS. 

Pray for me and with me. Lets desire to know what it means that He IS. 

Gratitude.

It's officially over. 

Last Thursday I watched as the artisans finished their last pieces of jewelry and handed them their pay for the very last time. I mean, my job isn't completely done: I have a couple fun parties planned for the artisans and all of the beads and supplies need to be inventoried and sent to Cambodia. But still, I will no longer spend an afternoon watching Nok's joyful smile as she quickly finishes her pieces, Nida sitting on the floor as she squints her eyes and tries to see the beads, and Bam waiting patiently (or maybe not so much) for Nida to finish. 

The days of jewelry production are over. 

And it's been difficult. It's been difficult to trust Gods plan for the future: for their lives and for mine. It's been difficult to understand my purpose completely in coming to Thailand. And it's been difficult to not want to pack and leave today, but at the same time difficult realizing that in a month I will have to pack up and leave my entire life from the past year. 

Basically, my emotions feel like they are changing with each minute. 

But I've been learning something in the past month or so (well, more like struggling to learn). I've been learning about gratitude. 

I read the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp who intentionally kept a journal of the big and little, obvious and hidden, good and maybe not-so-good gifts that God gives her each day. I've done this exercise before, but at this time in my life, it seems to be perfect timing.

Because I've been realizing, or trying to realize, that in the midst of your and mine uncertain, frustrating, seemingly hopeless, and even mundane moments, we have a choice. We all have the choice...I have the choice right now to stay in these moments of sadness and doubt or to choose to be grateful. To have gratitude for the endless amounts of gifts I am given each day.   

So today I choose to share with you some of my list. These are some of my gifts, the blessings God has extravagantly poured on me: 

Open fields.

Truth and encouragement from around the world.

Opportunities to travel and see the world. 

Hearing the artisans list out Gods promises in their lives. 

Mornings on the beach with a coffee and a cool breeze. 

Friendships from around the world. 

Artisans who are willing to work extra days so I can bring handmade jewelry back to the States.

And finally: the gift to be a part of these three beautiful and unique people's lives for a year. 

Want to buy some jewelry?

We have now entered the last month of work for the artisans. While this brings to my mind the excitement of returning to the States, it also brings a lot of sad and hard emotions. Even in the midst of finishing the jewelry project,  I continue to ask God "why?"

After a special lunch together this week. 

I've been praying for ideas to continue to serve the artisans in extra ways these last few months, and you can help with one of these ideas : ) I will be employing the artisans to make some of my own designs to sell when I'm back in America. Proceeds from the sale of jewelry will allow me to pay a 'fair wage' to the artisans who will be without work once the project leaves Thailand.

I plan to make and bring home only what I think will sell. So please, let me know if you would like to purchase necklaces or bracelets so that I can have the artisans make enough to meet demand.   

Design samples pictures are below.  Since these can be "made to order" feel free to  make special requests for any different colors!  Keep in mind I'll be using leftover beads, so some colors and designs may not be available.  

Just email me at Jacobykl6@gmail.com or message me on facebook if you are interested.  Provide specifics if you'd like to place an order.  I'll bring orders when I return to America in August. 

Thank you for your support : )

Elastic bracelets-$15

*Can be made in other colors

 Necklaces- $25
*Can be made in various lengths and colors

Please let me know if you are interested at all. It will be a real blessing to provide some extra employment to the artisans before we close down the project. 

Thank you : ) 

Walls in the journey.

I’ve been sitting at my computer for the past hour staring at this screen.

I’ve started this blog many times and have erased everything I’ve written so far. I’ve invited you to be a part of this journey with me, and to be faithful to that- I need to invite you into what is happening right now in Pattaya. But I’m not sure how to do that. I’ve hit a wall. 

God has been teaching me about walls lately. We all are on a journey and we all hit walls sometimes. Sometimes they are just minor inconveniences, and sometimes they are so massive, they seem to bring life to a complete halt.

There is a wall currently here in Pattaya, and I need share it with you.

If I was able to share with you, you will remember that part of my job has been to help Freedom Stones decide the future of the jewelry project. Through my research, opportunities explored, and input, the board of Freedom Stones has decided to close the project in Pattaya and focus solely on the site in Cambodia. So I have come back to Thailand for my last three months to help the artisan’s transition to their next steps and essentially close this site.

There have been many moments of feeling like I’m staring at a wall lately. And at the wall, many questions come:

What will the artisans do next? Will this affect their faith and trust in God’s goodness and provision?

Could I have done more? Have I failed in coming here?

What happens next for all of us?

I listened to a sermon on the walls in our journey lately, and they listed the three options we have at the wall. We can stop in fear and paralysis, we can lose hope and give up, or we can walk forward in trusting faith. The man speaking said “God’s will is for us to journey through the wall as we trust and follow Him together. We walk forward knowing He gives us victory in the end.”

So I don’t have answers to all the questions in my mind. I don’t’ have certainty about what is next, but I do continue to ask God for trusting faith….not only for myself but also for the artisans and everyone else in this journey. I ask for it for everyone who reads this.

I told you before I need you with me in this journey, and I want you to know I still do. I have a lot of questions, but I also trust that I serve a God who is in control and gives me victory. Please pray with me.  Pray with me for the artisans as they stand at the wall of uncertainty.  Pray for this wall: for the trusting faith that God is in control and is working even in situations such as these.

I also pray that in whatever wall you are currently looking at or will look at eventually- whether big or small, something difficult or maybe just uncertain- that God gives you trusting faith to continue walking forward. In Him, through His cross, we already have victory and that is the promise that never leaves regardless of what wall we face. 

Living in tension.

 Simply put, if you’re not willing to take what is dearest to you, whether plans or people, and kiss it goodbye, you can’t be my disciple. –Jesus

I read this verse while sitting in the Mumbai, India airport for 8 hours. I had just spend a month visiting family and friends in America, enjoying the beautiful PA outdoors, drinking pumpkin lattes J, and enjoying time to rest and relax. While sitting in the airport, I was surrounded by people of different nationalities, all speaking a foreign language. While this should probably be normal to me by now, it seemed to hit on a new level.

My heart was hurting as I sat in that airport. I felt like I had a place my heart was going back to, but at the same time- that meant I had to say goodbye to another life with a wonderful community of family, friends, and Church.  Honestly, I remember sitting there thinking my heart couldn’t handle it anymore. Sometimes it feels like my life is divided into separate lives and sometimes, I’m not sure how to handle that.

While sitting in the airport, I also was reading from the book “The Insanity of God.” Warning: don’t read this book if you don’t want to be convicted on many levels. The book is about two people who go to serve God in a hard place and as a result, struggle with a lot of questions.

They ask God:

Do things always work out for those who are obedient?

Does God really ask us to sacrifice- and to sacrifice everything?

What happens when our best intentions are not enough?

Is God at work in the hard places?

Is it possible to love God and to pretty much keep living the life I already have?

Would He really allow people who love Him dearly to fail?

Sitting in the airport or sitting on my floor, writing this blog, in Pattaya, I ask the same questions. I ask Jesus, why my heart has to hurt so much sometimes. I ask why He asks me to go around the world again when sometimes I fail to see the purpose, when sometimes it can feel like I’ve failed…and when sometimes it’s just hard.

But as I continued to read “The Insanity of God,” the authors didn’t just sit in the place of questions. They sought out people who know what real suffering and persecution is. They heard their stories and saw the ways God has worked through extreme suffering. They asked these people how God can be in the midst of the questions, how He can still truly be good, how their hearts can hurt so much and still trust God.  And they summarize the lesson they’ve learned this way:

Before we can grasp the full meaning of the Resurrection, we first have to witness, or experience crucifixion. If we spend our lives so afraid of suffering, then we might never discover the true wonder, joy, and power of a resurrection faith. Ironically, avoiding suffering could be the very thing that prevents us from partnering deeply with the Risen Jesus.

Talking about the followers of Jesus that they met, the authors write: They are willing to take that risk because they believe that, ultimately, good WILL defeat evil. Love WILL finally overcome hate. And life WILL conquer death forever by the power of our resurrection faith.

Now that I’m back and settling in a bit, my heart doesn’t hurt so much. I’ve stepped back into my life here:  with my friends, my job, and my routine. And my “Thailand-life” continues.

But I’ve found myself asking- is there supposed to be a struggle? Are we meant to be in the hard places, struggling to see the light so that Jesus alone is glorified? If you’re not willing to kiss goodbye what is dearest to you, you cannot be my disciple. That doesn’t necessarily mean we need to physically let go of all things with value to us. But we need to hold them with open hands.

We need to live in the tension, in the struggle, in the midst of the questions, so we can witness the crucifixion in order to experience the resurrection. 

Let's do this together. Live in the tension with me?

Last week I went to prison.

...to spend a day cleaning the cells and hallway, because no one else does. I also handed out sandwiches and water because the prisoners may not get any other food or drink while there. And while taking a break from cleaning, I played with the three little kids that are locked away simply because their moms have been arrested and they have no where else to go. 

This afternoon I went into the slum just down the road from my house and played with the children that live in houses smaller than my bedroom. I held the hand of a beautiful Cambodian teenager who doesn't attend school, doesn't speak fluently the language of the country in which she lives, and is at-risk for ending up as one of the many girls sold into the sex trade. 

And tomorrow...I board a plane to America. 

While I am more than ready and have been unable to wait for this month back home for months now, it still feels a bit strange. 

Our world is full of contradictions. We have poverty sitting alongside immense wealth. We have people living in slums at night and working at day to build high-rise condominiums. We have children and women in the bondage of slave labor so that people overseas can buy the shirts they make. 

And I actually have a choice to leave a place where many people would give everything to have that chance. 

I thank Jesus that He has given me the choice. 

But I also sit with Him and talk to Him about how to deal with this world of contradiction we live in. 

Please pray with me to have eyes that see the hard contradictions surrounding us. And lets talk together about it. 

Also, please pray for me while I'm home- pray for a month that is restful, but also filled with opportunity to share with others. 

I would love to share more with you, so if you would be willing: please come to hear me share on April 7th in Pottstown, PA. I will post more details in the next few weeks but please....mark it down! I would love to share with you : )

Let's get uncomfortable.

"Our job is to expose injustice so it becomes so uncomfortable that people have to respond."

I heard this quote spoken last weekend at a conference for people ministering in the urban setting. There were 200 of us gathered in Bangkok together to pray, discuss, and share about God's heart for the city. His desire for justice, hope, peace, and joy in a place where girls spend their youth believing they will simply grow up to sell their body on the streets, where boys hide in alleys sniffing glue, where men refuse to become fathers, and women live their entire lives believing they have no worth.

We discussed these areas of darkness and pain, but we also shared the seeds of hope: the places where Gods light has shown forth because His children refused to look away anymore.

We visited the Klong Toey slum in Bangkok, the oldest and largest slum, where about 100,000 people call home. It was a visit that my mind will not forget, with pictures of people crammed into places like I have seen before. But I also won't forget the glimpses of hope-

Like this family- who can now have a substantial income from making and selling sushi, after receiving a micro-loan from a couple who refused to turn away:

And the glimpse of home found within this coffee shop, located in the slum, employing their neighbors and providing a safe place to come:

Another quote I heard this weekend was that ministry, bringing hope to people, "is all about relationship. Mission in the city has to be personal. We have to know names. It's about building friendship."

We do projects well. We plan out-reaches and kid's programs, we raise money for good causes, we even collect food and clothes for those in need. But do we live a lifestyle of valuing relationship, of being available?

I confess: I don't.

I do my work and ministry when it is time, but outside of that time, I still walk quickly on the street past the woman and her baby who sit begging in the same spot day after day. Maybe giving money isn't the best answer and maybe I don't know what is, but I can still ask her name. She is worth that.

An, my friend from the Klong Toey slum, is worth that.

And you know the funny thing? The quote at the beginning of this entry was said by Shane Claiborne...from Philadelphia.

He wasn't talking as someone who has come overseas to minister in the slums. He is a guy that refused to look away to people with names down the street from him...in America.

So I'll ask you the same thing he asked us this weekend: "What would it look like if God's kingdom came into your neighborhood? And are you willing to let Him use you to do that?"