A Christmas like no other.

On Christmas Eve, instead of going to a beautiful candlelight service and coming home to read “A Night Before Christmas,” I was in a hotel room watching the one TV channel available in English and eating chips from a shack down the road.  And on Christmas morning, instead of waking up to the white snow covering the ground, I woke up to the sandy beach and crystal clear water of Thailand. And finally, while I usually would be resting after opening presents with family with “A Christmas Story” playing 24/7 in the background, I was looking for an internet signal so that I could Skype with a few family members and friends.

While it didn’t feel like that much of a sacrifice to be sitting on the beautiful sunny beach instead of at home in the snow, the reality of living in Thailand did hit me as I missed my family, friends, and Christmas traditions. Yet God blessed me immensely by sending my mom to me to celebrate Christmas, experience my life in Thailand, and simply to love me by spoiling me with nights at hotels with comfortable beds, cheeseburgers, and gifts from America.

So honestly…the reality of my first Christmas away from home hit me a bit later after I was back on my own, getting ready to start back at work. Actually, the reality of everything hit me…hard.

I wanted to go back to my nice Christmas vacation, laying in a hammock staring out at the ocean, forgetting about my daily life in Thailand.

Really, I just wanted to hide.

I wanted to hide from the darkness I feel as I walk down the street. I wanted to hide from the fact that there are thousands of girls and boys selling their bodies not far from me as I go to sleep at night, many of which have no choice. I wanted to hide from the fact that there are slums just walking distance away from where I live in my comparatively nice comfortable house. I wanted to shut my eyes and ears from the families sitting in prison, because they have been trafficked into Thailand and now stuck with no proper documentation and no country wanting to take responsibility.

And more than anything, I wanted to hide from the fact that I feel so hopeless in the midst of it all. I didn’t want to face the fact that I’ve been here for over 5 months now and still feel like there is so much more I could be doing.I wanted to close my eyes and escape the pain and and feelings of guilt.

But then God pointed me back to the cross….and spoke over me:

It is enough.

He is enough.

As we just celebrated: Jesus Christ, came as a baby to save this world of lost, broken, and hurting people. And His sacrifice is enough.

Do I always see the reason that I’m here? Do I always feel like I’ve made a difference or that I have a purpose here? No. But has God called me here? Yes.

And that is enough.

Let me share with you some of the ways we remembered that this Christmas season here in Pattaya: 

Treating our artisans to a special lunch out for Christmas.

Christmas party in the slum. 

Christmas caroling. 

Sharing the Christmas story...notice who had the privilege of being Mary ; )

The line-up for receiving packages of cookies: I've never seen kids so excited over cookies for Christmas. 

Spend this year with me remembering that: He is enough. 

Turkey and stuffing: Thai style.

This past week was Thanksgiving. 

And yes, even here in Thailand, us Americans gathered around a long table filled with the massive amounts of mashed potatoes, stuffing, green beans, sweet potatoes, and miraculously...even turkey! Like usual, I ate too much and still have leftovers in my fridge. The holiday continued as I spent hours online yesterday looking at the Black Friday deals, as my friends and family in America fought over parking spots and big screen tvs. And even this afternoon, I hung up my strand of Christmas lights and package of ornaments in my room. 

It's that time of year. 

But this year is different. I sat in my pajamas drinking coffee as I skyped into my family's Thanksgiving dinners. As I shopped for Black Friday, I was sitting in a t-shirt and shorts staring at my computer screen. And no matter how much I believe it will happen, when I walk outside there is no crisp cool air and leaves on the ground. 

It seems unsatisfying at times. It's ironic actually. This holiday meant to be a time of thanks and gratitude has made me even more aware of the unfulfilled desires I have. Instead of resting in the blessings I have been given, my mind has been listing the many things that I don't have this year. 

But it's going to stop. Because although I may be thousands of miles away from so many friends and family, sweating while eating turkey leftovers, and missing out on waking up at 3am to wear an elf hat and join masses of other crazy people...

I am blessed. 

...in enormous ways. 

So while my "What I'm thankful for this year" list may be a bit different, here it is. 

Thank you, Jesus for new friends.

Thank you for Your light that overcomes the darkness. 

Thank you for a week of Pattaya Praise- to gather in this city and sing your praise. 

Thank you that Our God is Greater.

Thank you for parties in the slums and new ways to celebrate this holiday. 

Thank you for adorable little faces.

Thank you that rain will never stop the fun. 

Thank you Jesus, that while things feel unfamiliar and even lonely at times, You are enough. Thank you that you alone are enough to fulfill all my heart's desires.

"For such a time as this."

I've been working on this blog for about a week now...well sort of...

You see I came back from Chiangmai about a week ago (a northern part of Thailand) and it had been two weeks full of learning, meeting new people, and God revealing to me so many things. I came back to Pattaya excited and ready for new things and at the same time, drained and running on empty.   I also came back to a week of more interviews with Freedom Stones, a broken shower, no Internet, one less usable bathroom in my house, a week straight of massive thunderstorms and rain, oh and new hole in the ceiling in the middle of my room, which worked out really nice with the rain. 

It felt like a whirlwind. 

It's a new week and some of the parts of my house have been fixed. But I still don't have Internet and the interviews are still coming. This week is also Pattaya Praise: a week of worship throughout the city, with 20 teams coming from around the world to join. 

It still feels a bit like a whirlwind. 

But its has felt a little different lately. I'm not sure why or even how to explain it, but God has given me a new sense of trust in His timing. 

I watched a movie about Queen Esther on Friday. Esther is selected as one of the many women whom the king can select to marry. She goes through months of preparation, months of gaining the king's trust, and then finally she is given the chance to sacrifice her life for her people, the Jews. Esther has been taken from her home, separated from everyone she loves, been forced into a situation where she feels like an outsider, and then is told she must risk her life to stop the massacre of the Jews. 

When being told of the choice before her, she is told: "Who knows? Maybe you were made Queen for such a time as this." 

Maybe she went through those months of  spa treatments, reading before the king, missing her family...for such a time as this. A time to put her life on the line and save her people. 

"A time as this" was not a time for an insignificant task. It was big. It was a history making event. 

I've learned a lot lately. God has poured new information into me, introduced me to new people, broken my heart many times over the injustice and hurt around me...sometimes it still feels like a whirlwind. 

Perhaps one day...in a few weeks, months, years....I will hear "Kelly, you were appointed for such a time as this." 

Timing seems to be everything. Perhaps now it is my time to learn, soak in culture, gain wisdom, and sometimes do without Internet or a working shower. But I do know I am so excited for the day when for "such a time as this" comes. Right now I will rest in the timining of now. 

Maybe your "such a time as this" hasn't come. Maybe it still feels like a whirlwind. 

Rest with me in this time. Because honestly, I've been putting this blog off for a week now and I'm still not sure if what I've written really makes sense. I don't know entirely what is happening. I don't have the answers about the future.

I am just resting in what is now. Let's wait for "such a time as this" together.

So while this didn't share much about my time in Chiangmai, here are some pictures of while I was there : ) 

Update.

Check out some updates from my past two months! Click here! 

Faithful.

Today I was reading from Ragamuffin Gospel and I read this line: 

"What makes us authentic disciples is not visions, ecstasies, biblical mastery of chapter and verse, or spectacular success in the ministry, but a capacity for faithfulness."

I've been learning that lately. Friday morning our team here at PSM (the YWAM center) talked about vision.  We read Habakkuk 2:2-3 which talks about remembering the visions God has given us. God promises that the visions He has given us will come. But the verse also says, "Though it linger, wait for it. It will certainly come and will not delay." God has given us all specific talents, and He gives us visions of what to do with the gifts we have. 

But sometimes we have to wait. Sometimes we wonder if we are making a difference, if the little things we do every day really matter. Sometimes we wonder, I've been wondering, when the vision in my heart will happen, when it will come. I've wondered if the path I'm on will really lead me to the life I really want, I really  long for. 

And in those moments, we are called to be faithful. We are to be faithful in the small moments, the mundane tasks, the times when it doesn't make sense...I am called to be faithful. 

I wanted to share with you what a day looks like for me- what my daily schedule looks like. But the problem is that rarely do my days look alike. So...here are some pictures to give you a glimpse of the last few weeks of my life here in Thailand: 

Welcome to my life.

I have a confession: My life here really isn’t that glamorous or exciting. 

To be completely honest, I’m not even sure what to write here. I’ve been in Thailand two weeks now and so much has happened, so I want to share with you. But really...I don’t even know what to say because I’m just living daily everyday life. I have a job in Thailand. I live here. This morning I did laundry, cleaned my room, made breakfast, and then checked emails. This week for work, I've sorted beads...for hours. It might look pretty different and lack some of the comforts of America, but it’s my life. 

But I want to share with you, because I want you to do this with me. I want to be in this together, but sometimes I'm not sure that means. So I guess what I really want you to take away from what I share is: my stories don’t have to be that different from yours. Learn with me, because really we are all just living life together- even if its thousands of miles away.

I have a second confession: I really miss having a microwave.

I also miss having a shower with a full stream of water. Oh and I miss my car and eavesdropping on conversations (because I can understand them!)…well actually understanding the conversations that include me would be good too. I miss cheeseburgers. And I miss my bed a lot…and sinking into a nice comfortable mattress.

After one week in Thailand, I was struggling. I was frustrated at not understanding anyone, missing my comforts of home, realizing it will be so long until I’m with all the people I love in my home country, and feeling the darkness and ugliness of this city. And I wasn’t sure I even wanted to be here anymore.

And then God began to speak to me through His Word:

Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we’re in. Study how He did it. Because He never lost sight of where He was headed, He could put up with anything along the way: cross, shame, whatever. In this all-out match against sin, others have suffered far worse than you, to say nothing of what Jesus went through- all that bloodshed! So don’t feel sorry for yourselves.

I don’t think Jesus was comfortable here on earth. I think He missed the feasts of delicious and rich Heavenly foods. I think He probably missed a world with no sickness, sunburn, and mosquito bites. He probably didn’t understand those around Him sometimes, using language that almost seemed foreign. And I’m pretty sure He missed His family and being in perfect relationship, with no hurt or embarrassment. And I think that in comparison to Him, I have no reason to complain. I think missing half & half in my coffee probably falls short on the list of possible complaints.

But here is the amazing part: my complaints might be insignificant and sometimes maybe I do need a better perspective. But Jesus still looks at me and says: Yes, (you have left it all- friends, family, cheeseburgers, nice showers, and even microwaves) and you won’t regret it. No one who has sacrificed home, spouse, brothers, sister, parents, children- whatever- will lose out. It will all come back multiplied many times over in your lifetime.

And that is what I want you all to learn alongside me. Jesus calls us to follow Him, which means taking up our cross and following Him. It means sacrifice- which looks different for us all, but is not any less required. But He loves us. So He doesn’t leave us empty-handed, but floods us with blessing after blessing.

Yes, things here may be difficult and sometimes I may wish I was somewhere “easier,” but here’s the thing: God hasn’t stopped passionately running after me with His blessings to remind me that I’m not doing this alone. He will not leave me, but will only provide for me over and over again.

I’m constantly reminded:  I live in a house with my own room, a kitchen, and wifi. I live with a spunky, passionate young woman, who loves to have fun and is continually patient with me as I ask a thousand questions in the grocery store or as I pronounce Thai words completely incorrectly (saying “dog” instead of “come”). I have three unique and precious artisans who are eager to work. I have an incredible support community in America that sends me emails and letters to remind me I’m not alone.

He loves me.

Really, that’s what I’m learning and I don’t need to be in Thailand to learn it. So soak it in and rest in His love with me. Let’s learn together that God hasn’t left us but He’s running after us. Because in a week or so, when I’m back to the frustrations, I will need learn it yet again. Take up the cross and allow Him to flood you with blessing after blessing.  

Click to walk through some of my life here with me.

Goodbye Cambodia.

I will finally be on my way to Pattaya tomorrow! Here are some more pictures from my time in Cambodia: 

The road...

The illegal border- where thousands of people from Cambodia cross every day to work in Thailand. 

Cambodian countryside

The streets of Phnom Penh

The garbage dump- where people live and work every day sorting through the garbage

The one time when the road was too hard to drive with more than one person so I walked alongside Allison as she drove...

The necklace I helped design : )

Please pray for safe travels and my first few days in Pattaya : )